Bloom: The word of 2018

Bloom. 

A word of beauty, expectation, and hope. 

       This was the word that I felt God call me to in 2018. Let me tell you, I trust the words I connected to it are true and I pray that when I look back someday, I see all of the beauty in it. If I'm honest, I'm not there yet, at least not totally. I'm going to share with you just a bit of my story and how I saw God work as I have reflected on this year.

       I came out of 2017 having seen God move in the word he had given me, Love (specifically steadfast love). I learned about love through songs and books, through a play I was acting in, through sermons at church, through my dog, and even through falling in love. It was everywhere. It was all unexpected and full of so much joy, really beyond my expectations. So I wanted God to take that and let it grow even more, hence: BLOOM. I thought it would be rejoicing and flowers and rainbows. But last year's Jennifer didn't know much about flowers or plants and didn't stop to think about the process that happens before the blooming.

     Let me tell you a few things I noticed in the process of growing some beautiful little Zinnias this year. First, to grow a bloom, you need to prepare the soil. That means making sure there aren't too many rocks, digging things up, using good soil.

        2018 was a year of digging things up, especially when it came to my identity, my beliefs about myself, and my expectations. As the school year came to a close, I really strongly felt that it was time for me to leave my job as the 6th grade teacher at Clinton. While I loved so many things about it, I was exhausted. I wasn't able to give what I wanted any more and I just needed to stop somehow. So God dug up (not for the first time in my life) my identity as a teacher. It's one of those jobs that consumes you and can define you. Probably, in all reality it still kind of does define me. But our work isn't meant to. It's one of those things that gives me purpose because I'm "doing" something for God.

Oswald Chambers once said, "We consider what we do in the way of Christian work as service, yet Jesus calls service to be what we are to him, not what we do for him." 

That's what God was digging up in me. To be honest, he's still digging that up in 2019. But I suppose the dirt is at least a little looser. Once again, he wants me to know that who I am is not what I do. (Turns out 2014 Jennifer also had to learn this lesson https://jenniferann-everydayadventures.blogspot.com/2014/08/who-you-are-is-not-what-you-do.html).  One of these days it will hopefully sink in.

I don't know that I'm ready to display in great detail for the whole world all the other things he dug up in me, but seeing the end of a relationship I loved, starting counseling, and discovering the Enneagram have really just rocked my own little world. My perceptions of myself, my fears, and many of my beliefs have really been challenged in good ways.

The next part of the growing process is the easiest and hardest part. You water them, watch them, and wait. Turns out that having actual blooms isn't really in your control at all. All you can do is water them. You can protect them if it's too hot or too cold. When bugs threatened to eat them, I looked up remedies and put a little bit of ashes on them to help keep them away. Mostly, however, my job was just to wait and trust that the one who made them would actually make them bloom.

 I found the waiting and tending true in life as well. This year there were many moments where I wondered what would happen and what God was up to. But it was waiting and trusting God was somehow doing it in the midst of everything. I wondered if I was doing the right things, but all I could do is faithfully appreciate what was in front of me each day. I had to protect against the lies of the enemy that threatened to eat what God was teaching me. So I learned to take up journaling more again and bring those lies to him over and over and ask for his truth.

My precious flowers did grow and eventually bloomed. I had no idea what color they would be or how big they would be until they actually showed up. This was also true. I'm not sure I will even know what all the flowers of 2018 are until more time passes, but there are at least a few to see even now.

I see that like a flower opening up, I learned what it meant to truly be vulnerable. More than ever before I opened myself up to people I really trusted in my life. I let them see me in my hurting and in my joy. I shared parts of myself that I always thought would be too much if anyone ever knew them. It wasn't easy, but I have to say I don't regret it. I have seen that somehow I can be accepted. I ask that God keeps my heart soft and vulnerable.

I see a bloom of self-awareness that has allowed me to think a little more about my words. I have been a little quicker to listen and give people space to speak. I've said no to more things, which has let me say yes to a slower pace. I've learned to spend time with myself and actually enjoy it.

Finally, I noticed that as I watched my flowers, every time  I thought they were done blooming, a new one would pop up. They bloomed for months. Much longer than I anticipated. That's what I hope for now, even though I have a new word for 2019 and 2018 is over. I trust that these lessons will need to be taught again and they will pop up and be learned at a greater depth. I trust that lessons I didn't even know I learned will pop up and I'll see the fruit of this year forever. I trust that he will keep bringing up blooms from the work that was put in.

 May he bring more of these blooms in 2019. While I do hope they will be a little easier on my soul, I also am grateful for the ways God is letting me see the glimpses of good from 2018. Feeling grateful for them feels a bit more like a kid gritting their teeth and being grateful for the broccoli that they didn't want for dinner, but grateful none the less. I'm constantly reminding myself that he's good and he's working things out for my good and his glory. He's redefined the way I look at blooming and growth and I can say that in the midst of it all he showed up.

Bloom.
A word of beauty, hope, expectation, vulnerability, growth, and patience.