Present

2019 has come and gone. I took a hiatus of sorts from writing... seeing that my last post was in December of 2018. It wasn't intentional. In fact, I had wanted 2019 to be a year full of writing, but the words didn't come. I wrote several blog posts but didn't have the heart to publish them.  I decided to publish one of them that I wrote in the midst of the rawness now. If you care to hear about my feelings on the year 2018, you can find them here:

https://jenniferann-everydayadventures.blogspot.com/2020/01/bloom-word-of-2018.html

But seeing as that is actually old news, I am reflecting on 2019 and what that has meant to me. Certainly, my prayers were answered, in that God continued to grow and bloom in me the things he started. He doesn't leave things unfinished, he grows them to completion. My word for 2019 was present. The word itself had many different meanings.

adj.
- in a particular place, occurring now
- being in view or at hand
- constituting the one who is actually involved and being considered
noun.
-a gift given to someone
verb.
-to bring to one's attention

I thought that the year would be about me trying to be present and focus on each day, and while I would say I practiced that as much as possible, it wasn't really what God had in mind. What he truly wanted to show me is that HE is present. I think so often it's easy to focus on God getting us out of difficulties. On wanting him to stop difficult things from happening. The Bible actually promises us that we will have trouble, not that God will get us out of it. It doesn't even promise he won't give us more than we can handle- that specific verse that people often use is talking about sin and temptation, not a hardship. I think God very well gives us more than what we can handle on our own. But I can promise you this, he will never give you more than HE can handle.

He will walk beside you.
He will cry with you.
He will listen to everything you need to say, whether it's sadness or anger or anything in between.
He will give you the strength you need for that day. Sometimes it's for that hour. Or even that minute.
He is more faithful than you can imagine.
He loves you more than you can imagine.
And HE is the one who is always present. In the moments when you feel totally alone, even if you're in a room full of people. He listens to every word you say. He doesn't fade accidentally get distracted. He doesn't belittle your feelings. He doesn't misunderstand you.

"Well, that's nice of you to say. I'm glad God showed up for you. I don't see it."

I'll tell you that honestly, 2019 held some of my darkest thoughts, fears, and many many tears.
There were days when I didn't see it, but the truth is that it didn't make it any less true. Sometimes I had to open myself up to try and see it, to tune myself into the frequency of where he was already present and speaking. Here's the deal. This is what helped me see God's very presence. It's not a formula, everyone is different. Hopefully, these could help you too, if you're struggling.

1. Delighting in the little things, practicing gratitude. Most of 2019 was a year of what my friend and I liked to call "delightitude". delight + gratitude. We committed in September of 2018 to taking a picture and posting something every day for a year that brought us delight and gratitude. When you are sick, depressed, or just bored out of your mind, it can be difficult to find something. But as I set out in the daily practice of finding just one thing, I saw God. He was there. He hadn't abandoned me. Sometimes it was in something I saw outside. Sometimes it was in the people God put in my life. Sometimes it was Tylenol. But he always did it, if I was willing to look.

2. Remembering. I often looked back at old journals or photos and memories. I reminded myself of how God had brought me through other difficult situations.

3. Music. I had a playlist that I made... 12 songs. That I played over and over and over. I listened to them nearly every day on the way to work for probably 6 months. There was one song in particular that I probably played 300 times in the course of the year. Inundating myself with the truth when I struggled to believe it was so crucial. I believe it was our pastor, Travis, who preached about joy and music one day at church. He said something to the effect of, "Music is an expression of joy or a gateway to get there." So turn on that music. Sing it at the top of your lungs until you can't anymore. In case you're curious, here's a link to a playlist I created of the songs I listened to.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8S6smQqdoOH3tQXSQhbKONnCuSoRg7Bp

4. Let yourself cry. I've struggled with this for a long time because of culture and the way we are often raised, we feel guilty crying. What I realized is how incredibly important it was for me just to sit before him and cry. Keeping those things inside only lets them fester. As I released those tears before him, I almost always felt a sense of release later. Whether it meant saying aloud all the things I knew I shouldn't or just weeping quietly.

5. Counseling. This isn't a spiritual practice in and of itself. But I will tell you that I am forever grateful for the way that it opened me up to hear God. It allowed me to process through more of the lies I believed to hear him more clearly. I truly believe everyone could use counseling. Even if you don't have any "major trauma", we all have trauma, wounds, and things we need to deal with. All of us can become healthier. As we become healthier, we also have healthier relationships with others and with God.

In the midst of allowing myself these 5 things, God showed himself present in my life. And he's present in yours. Always. Forever. No matter what. If this is something you want in your life and you've never had a relationship with God, please ask me! I would love to tell you more about how you can have that kind of presence and comfort in your life when things get rough.
Until next time friends,
Jennifer