Letting Go
I have been told by many people that I am a good story teller. I love telling stories to people, and it usually doesn't take very long before people begin to realize this about me. While I would usually rather tell a story in person than through writing, this blog has become a place where I can tell my stories and the lessons that I have been learning. Although I've told a lot of stories, some short and some long, I have been thinking lately about the fact that my life is a story. And beyond that, I am a part of God's even bigger story. Each minute of my day is playing into something bigger than myself. That's what keeps going on these days.
If you've been keeping up with my blog, it's probably no secret that I've had my fair share of struggles with my class. I still love my job. But it is definitely the hardest job I've ever had to do. There are times when I am disorganized. There are times when my lessons don't go the way they're supposed to. There are times when I am impatient. There are times when my kids have no respect and don't listen to a single thing I'm saying. In those moments, I feel like a failure. Here's the thing, I know that God is using it all. Not just to teach me things, but also to teach my students. I can't make them learn things. I can't make them care. But God can. He is the only way anything can get done.
This week on Monday, we had our field trip to AFE. Find out more here: http://afehonduras.org/default.aspx
. This is the ministry to the Tegucigalpa City dump. We have spent the past month studying and writing a research paper about hunger and poverty. This has been something that I have been praying would open my students eyes. When we went, our bus accidentally took a little detour and took us up to the actual dump instead of the school and ministry that we were visiting. We went just into the entrance and a little way in before we quickly realized we needed to get the bus out as soon as possible (It's not exactly the safest place). However, I think this was the best thing that could happen for some of my kids. I have never seen anything like this. I have been in places where people are homeless or live in cardboard houses, but the sights and smells overwhelmed me. The stench of mountains of trash filled the bus and flies and buzzards seemed to cover everything. And in the midst of more garbage than I have ever seen in my life, there are people. Hundreds of people walking about scavenging for food in the trash. People lounging on bags of trash. People crowding each other waiting for the arrival of the next truck. Their faces simply stare at the bus, weathered from facing wind and sun and rain day after day. Their skin darkened with the color of dirt. Wearing layers of clothes, likely because it is all of their clothes. Their eyes seem empty and lifeless. After only a few minutes of driving through this, I felt grateful and saddened at the same time to leave and drive to the correct place. According to one of the other teachers, what we saw was only the beginning, only the first part of the dump.
The rest of the morning was spent, giving a program for the children that attend the school and are helped by the ministry. Several of the children shared. They were so grateful for the food, toys, candy, and hygiene supplies we brought. They were sharing their stories. They were so grateful that they have the opportunity to go to school. There were about 6 students who were getting ready to go to college. An amazing opportunity given to them to be able to get out of the poverty trap they were born into. Most of my children did well and desired to help and could see what they had to be grateful for. Unfortunately, there were still some children that did not seem to get the idea. I left some time to discuss what they had seen when we got back. Upon asking for questions and comments I received:
- It really smelled there and I'm never going back!
- How come we didn't get to eat our lunch till we came back? It's not fair that they got to eat before us!
I was really angry at these questions and comments. My kids came back from seeing something like this and complained that they didn't get to eat lunch early or have a snack. They were complaining about not getting the chance to eat in the past few hours. I explained to them that they should know after all of this that there are people who sometimes don't have food to eat for days or even weeks, and they are choosing to complain about this? Even now it makes me feel extremely disappointed. After taking some time to think about it, I realize that I can't make them understand. After all, they are only 5th graders. But hopefully, some of them do understand. I hope that some of them will maybe start to understand years from now.
Teaching is really a job of letting go. Of realizing at some point, I have done all that I can. This must be kind of how parents feel. I invest a lot of time, love, and energy in these children. I want them to learn certain things. I want them to feel loved. I want them to become successful adults with good character. But I don't have the power to do this.
Fortunately, a much needed break is coming. This time next week I will be in my home. It will be absolutely wonderful to just be in a place where I feel completely comfortable and I am surrounded by people that I love. Although this is a home of sorts, and I do love the people around me, there is simply no place like home for the holidays. =)
If you've been keeping up with my blog, it's probably no secret that I've had my fair share of struggles with my class. I still love my job. But it is definitely the hardest job I've ever had to do. There are times when I am disorganized. There are times when my lessons don't go the way they're supposed to. There are times when I am impatient. There are times when my kids have no respect and don't listen to a single thing I'm saying. In those moments, I feel like a failure. Here's the thing, I know that God is using it all. Not just to teach me things, but also to teach my students. I can't make them learn things. I can't make them care. But God can. He is the only way anything can get done.
This week on Monday, we had our field trip to AFE. Find out more here: http://afehonduras.org/default.aspx
. This is the ministry to the Tegucigalpa City dump. We have spent the past month studying and writing a research paper about hunger and poverty. This has been something that I have been praying would open my students eyes. When we went, our bus accidentally took a little detour and took us up to the actual dump instead of the school and ministry that we were visiting. We went just into the entrance and a little way in before we quickly realized we needed to get the bus out as soon as possible (It's not exactly the safest place). However, I think this was the best thing that could happen for some of my kids. I have never seen anything like this. I have been in places where people are homeless or live in cardboard houses, but the sights and smells overwhelmed me. The stench of mountains of trash filled the bus and flies and buzzards seemed to cover everything. And in the midst of more garbage than I have ever seen in my life, there are people. Hundreds of people walking about scavenging for food in the trash. People lounging on bags of trash. People crowding each other waiting for the arrival of the next truck. Their faces simply stare at the bus, weathered from facing wind and sun and rain day after day. Their skin darkened with the color of dirt. Wearing layers of clothes, likely because it is all of their clothes. Their eyes seem empty and lifeless. After only a few minutes of driving through this, I felt grateful and saddened at the same time to leave and drive to the correct place. According to one of the other teachers, what we saw was only the beginning, only the first part of the dump.
The rest of the morning was spent, giving a program for the children that attend the school and are helped by the ministry. Several of the children shared. They were so grateful for the food, toys, candy, and hygiene supplies we brought. They were sharing their stories. They were so grateful that they have the opportunity to go to school. There were about 6 students who were getting ready to go to college. An amazing opportunity given to them to be able to get out of the poverty trap they were born into. Most of my children did well and desired to help and could see what they had to be grateful for. Unfortunately, there were still some children that did not seem to get the idea. I left some time to discuss what they had seen when we got back. Upon asking for questions and comments I received:
- It really smelled there and I'm never going back!
- How come we didn't get to eat our lunch till we came back? It's not fair that they got to eat before us!
I was really angry at these questions and comments. My kids came back from seeing something like this and complained that they didn't get to eat lunch early or have a snack. They were complaining about not getting the chance to eat in the past few hours. I explained to them that they should know after all of this that there are people who sometimes don't have food to eat for days or even weeks, and they are choosing to complain about this? Even now it makes me feel extremely disappointed. After taking some time to think about it, I realize that I can't make them understand. After all, they are only 5th graders. But hopefully, some of them do understand. I hope that some of them will maybe start to understand years from now.
Teaching is really a job of letting go. Of realizing at some point, I have done all that I can. This must be kind of how parents feel. I invest a lot of time, love, and energy in these children. I want them to learn certain things. I want them to feel loved. I want them to become successful adults with good character. But I don't have the power to do this.
Fortunately, a much needed break is coming. This time next week I will be in my home. It will be absolutely wonderful to just be in a place where I feel completely comfortable and I am surrounded by people that I love. Although this is a home of sorts, and I do love the people around me, there is simply no place like home for the holidays. =)
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